The Kingdom, The Dogs and The Shadow of Doubt

It’s early in the morning. Like real early. I just took Danny to the airport for an early flight and a business trip this week, and now I’m back in bed, a big dog on either side of me, just lying here and pondering what I’ve been feeling over the last week or so.

A friend of mine sent me a YouTube video from Esther Hicks and Abraham, whom I love. All about living in paradise if I’ll just notice that it’s already here. Like the Kingdom is at hand. Like heaven is on earth if we just recognize and act as if it already is.

It’s a reminder of what I believe - or at least what I say I believe is true - but right now in this moment it feels a little more hollow than usual. Almost like a spiritual bypass. I truly want to know it beyond the shadow of a doubt, but it seems I’m in the shadow right now.

Part of me wants to believe it’s true. Another part of me sees the contrast in the world I live in, and it just doesn’t add up in this present moment.

Maybe later today I’ll feel different. But right now, it’s hard to see the kingdom when I’m faced with the reality of a country and an authoritarian administration that seems completely out of control.

I realize as I write this that I’m looking outside myself. And the belief is that the kingdom is within. So why do I keep looking without?

I guess I look around because I’m not the only one that exists in the world. There are real people in real situations with real consequences and real pain. I may not be experiencing it directly, but I am experiencing it by being a fellow human on the planet.

I can’t just go into my little cocoon of the kingdom and revel in the reality that it’s not directly affecting me while I see it happening outside my body. Yes, these are the thoughts that run through my head in moments like these.

It’s difficult to find the balance of believing the kingdom is within and at hand when I see reality that is contrary to that belief. It’s easy for me to say as I lie here in my warm bed between my two dogs, while there are others at this particular moment who are grieving the loss of a soulmate, or hungry because they haven’t eaten this week, or in pain because their limbs were blown off in an explosion of war.

How do I have the audacity to say the kingdom is at hand to any of these fellow human beings? “Change your thinking, change your life” seems a little shallow and unrealistic in these situations.

I would hope if I were in any of these situations, I would hold to these principles and practices. But if I’m honest, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know how I would put it all together in my brain so I could raise my vibration and see the good in watching my partner get shot in the face by a rogue federal agent in the middle of the afternoon on a crowded neighborhood street in broad daylight.

You catch my drift?

Abraham says just to feel your way into it and you can be in paradise. I’m not saying that’s not possible. But it feels a little privileged to say. I believe…but help my unbelief. Because it just doesn’t add up sometimes.

So here I am. Warmth of pups on either side, the kingdom within and at hand. Grateful in a way. Confused in another. Wanting to believe the narrative I’ve lived by, and also questioning it deeply.

There’s really no resolution in this moment, or a pretty bow to wrap it all up with. So I sit with the contrast. With the suffering around me. With the questions of what the hell is going on. Have we lost our way? And is there a way back?

Is the question without a clear answer part of the problem? Am I “ye of little faith”? Should I be more sure, more hopeful, more confident that if I can just feel into it, it will resolve?

I don’t know.

I think I’ll try to get a little more sleep for now. And maybe a dream from my subconscious will give me an answer. Or at least a nudge in the right direction.