Staying Present in a Strange Time

Lately I’ve been noticing something in my body.

When I don’t run, don’t check out, and actually stay with what I’m feeling… my breath deepens, my shoulders soften, and I feel lighter somehow.

There’s a sense that I’m going to move through this… the same way I’ve moved through everything else in my life.  Not all at once.  Not dramatically.  Just one thing at a time, as it shows up.

This season feels different, though.  Not because it’s harder, but because so much of what’s happening right now feels outside of me.  Outside my control or my ability to fix or reframe or make sense of.

And honestly… a lot of it disturbs me.

The power grabs.
The blatant lies.
The way truth feels optional in places where it used to be expected.

One of the hardest things for me to watch is the press conferences. Reporters asking real questions, seeing the same things we’re all seeing, and then hearing answers that are so far from reality it’s almost surreal. And then… nothing.  No calling it out.  No naming the lie.  Just decorum.  Just politeness.  Just awkward silence.

I understand there are rules. I understand there are limits.
But there’s also a point where something becomes unacceptable.

And it feels like we’ve crossed it.

I’ve always tried to be positive. I still do. I look for the good, for the human. I look for what’s possible.  But I also feel like we’ve crossed some lines we can’t uncross.  

And I don’t know what to do with that sometimes.

I don’t know what it looks like when we’ve finally had enough.
I don’t know how or when people finally say, “This isn’t okay.”
I don’t know how this resolves.

But I do know this:

I don’t want to abandon myself in the middle of it.

I don’t want to numb out.
I don’t want to pretend.
I don’t want to disappear.
I don’t want to look away — but I also don’t want to stare at it until it all feels hopeless.

I’m trying to find that balance.
Awake, but not overwhelmed.
Aware, but still in my body.

Some days I question everything.  Even the stories I’ve told myself about who I am and why I’m here.  Maybe this is all there is.  Maybe it isn’t.  I don’t actually know.

What I do know is that being here matters to me.
Being in my body matters.
Being honest matters.

So for now, I choose to stay present.  With myself, with this moment. With the truth as I am able to see it.  Without needing to solve it.  

If you’re feeling any of this, too — the grief, the confusion, the quiet awakening — you’re not alone.  We don’t have to have all the answers.  We don’t have to know what’s next.

We can just be here. 

That’s what I’m doing. 

You’re welcome to join me. :)